Ian’s story

Ian was in his second year of studying for a PhD in Engineering Design at the University of Strathclyde when he did a Grit programme.

I was completely stuck. I was seriously considering giving up my PhD altogether. I kept thinking “I’m not cut out for this, don’t know what I’m doing.” I’d spent the six months before the workshop just fiddling around, doing anything except making actual progress. There were conferences coming up, invitations to collaborate, people expecting things from me - but in my head “I have no idea what I’m doing… I’m just pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes.” Time kept passing, I was panicking, wondering if I’d just wasted two years of my life. The only thing keeping me from quitting was the thought of disappointing my mum.

Then the workshop happened. It was completely different from anything I’d done before. It wasn’t another lecture where someone talks at you. It was an actual conversation. People were honest, open, real. It was the first time I’d been in a space like that during my PhD.

And that’s when the lightbulb moment hit: everyone else felt exactly the same as me. All these clever, capable researchers were sitting there talking about feeling like imposters, like they were the only ones who didn’t know what they were doing. The feelings I’d been having were actually normal, and it was ok to have them.

Since Grit I’ve been able to step back when things start spiraling. I tell myself that I’m not the only one with this self-doubting internal monologue. I can see now that life outside the PhD affects how I think and feel way more than I realised. There is a lot going on alongside your degree. So now, instead of panicking, I can catch the feelings as they come up and say, “Okay, what is this? What’s actually going on?” It’s like flipping a switch.

I now have a boundary between the PhD and my life outside of the programme. At the end of the day, when I go through those double doors and leave the university, I leave the pressures and anxieties behind. The PhD doesn’t dominate my mind. I give myself permission to have down time, permission not to work every Saturday and Sunday like I had been.

Because my supervisor wasn’t constantly telling me “yes, this is right” or “no, do this instead” I had decided that I was a disappointment to them, that I was letting them down. But supervisors aren’t meant to micromanage. Not knowing everything is literally part of the PhD. Now I fact-check my thoughts: is there evidence to support the way I am feeling, or have I just made it all up in my head?

There was a real sense of community and belonging in the workshop. Although I’ve got plenty of people around me, I felt lonely when I tried to talk to people about my research. No-one really understands it. It was like trying to fit a circular block into a triangular hole. Now I meet up with friends from the workshop, researchers doing very different PhDs, and we vent, share our experiences, emotions and feelings. They understand, they are going through the same thing as me.

Grit was pivotal. I’ve been more productive in the months since Grit than I was in the whole year before. After the progress I’ve made in these last few months, I’m confident that I’ll finish the PhD before the funding runs out. I’m not spiraling anymore. I’m not anxious anymore. I’m in control.